Ten years ago, I lost my son at birth. But it wasn’t just that I lost him that was so hard to overcome. It was the fact that I wasn't listening to my inner knowing, and if I had, everything might have been different.
Tuning myself out started early in my relationship with my then-husband. I met him in college, and he was just the kind of guy you wanted to be around—nice, a loyal friend, happy, sure of himself, and likeable. I had always considered myself the good girl—the type who did everything right—so I wanted to marry someone who was equally well-liked, and a good person.
Like a “good” couple, we waited until marriage to have sex. But once we started being intimate, I felt limited sexual attraction or desire. Sex was actually painful. But instead of listening to my body—and considering that it might have been telling me I was on the wrong path—I just assumed there was something wrong with me.
Deep down, I hadn't wanted to get married. I had a feeling it wasn't right. But I had ignored that gut feeling and kept moving forward.
I continued on cruise control for years. I committed to my marriage, and had a daughter, who made my life blissful. My husband was a great dad and a fun partner. Of course, like all couples, we had challenges. I struggled with the fact that my husband seemed to lose job after job, without much explanation.
Eventually, I got pregnant again And when I was seven months along, my intuition became more important than ever. I was sitting down, trying to feel the baby move. I was nudging my belly, trying to wake him. But nothing was happening. I had a feeling that something was wrong, that I should go to the hospital. But then there was this other voice that told me not to overreact, or be paranoid. So instead I got up and did the dishes.
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