Losing My Son at Birth Was the Most Traumatic Experience of My Life - Article Health

You know that feeling you get about something deep down in your gut? That’s your intuition, and often you can feel it, physically, in your body. These days I’m hypervigilant about honoring mine. But it wasn’t always that way.

Ten years ago, I lost my son at birth. But it wasn’t just that I lost him that was so hard to overcome. It was the fact that I wasn't listening to my inner knowing, and if I had, everything might have been different.

Tuning myself out started early in my relationship with my then-husband. I met him in college, and he was just the kind of guy you wanted to be around—nice, a loyal friend, happy, sure of himself, and likeable. I had always considered myself the good girl—the type who did everything right—so I wanted to marry someone who was equally well-liked, and a good person.

Like a “good” couple, we waited until marriage to have sex. But once we started being intimate, I felt limited sexual attraction or desire. Sex was actually painful. But instead of listening to my body—and considering that it might have been telling me I was on the wrong path—I just assumed there was something wrong with me.

Deep down, I hadn't wanted to get married. I had a feeling it wasn't right. But I had ignored that gut feeling and kept moving forward.

I continued on cruise control for years. I committed to my marriage, and had a daughter, who made my life blissful. My husband was a great dad and a fun partner. Of course, like all couples, we had challenges. I struggled with the fact that my husband seemed to lose job after job, without much explanation.

Eventually, I got pregnant again  And when I was seven months along, my intuition became more important than ever. I was sitting down, trying to feel the baby move. I was nudging my belly, trying to wake him. But nothing was happening. I had a feeling that something was wrong, that I should go to the hospital. But then there was this other voice that told me not to overreact, or be paranoid. So instead I got up and did the dishes.


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