Then I started having these stomach pains. I assumed it was a problem to be solved—I thought, "Maybe it’s my gallbladder, maybe it’s this or that." But my doctors couldn’t find a solution. They just saw a typical 35-year-old woman who seemed like she was otherwise in pretty good health. There were no alarm bells going off.
But the pain was getting bad. I thought, "This is stupid, you should be helping me!" It’s hard to get people to take you at your word when you’re talking about pain. I finally demanded a scan, and I got a phone call two days later telling me I had stage 4 cancer.
There are certain things that are so terrible that they’re unimaginable. I had devoted my life to studying something called the American prosperity gospel—it’s what my book was about. It’s this religious movement where people believe that God gives you health and wealth and happiness if you just have the right kind of faith.
Even though I was raised as a Mennonite, I had absorbed that same message. I expected that everything was going to work out for me, because I worked so hard and I had a family that needed me. Weren’t those arguments for me to live? There are so many mythologies about why good things happen to good people, but the truth is there are no guarantees.
Getting diagnosed with a major illness is like having a bomb go off in your life. I was a normal person—and then all the sudden I was living in a 24-hour siren montage. I went from wearing my blazer and jeans to work to wearing rough cotton. Every conversation with the doctors was unimaginably scary. I was told I was probably not going to make it through the year.
Emotionally, it was immediate triage, like: Okay, who do I have to tell? Who do I have to say that I love them? I realized all the things I love are so fragile and so dependent on each other. My greatest happiness was my little family, and their happiness was dependent on me, and I was standing on nothing. Every part of your life is just dominoes at that point: your health, your finances, your job security.
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